Priest (Screen Gems)

Synopsis: Set in an alternate world, one ravaged by centuries of war between man and vampires, a legendary Warrior Priest (Paul Bettany) from the last Vampire War lives in obscurity among the other downtrodden human inhabitants in walled-in dystopian cities ruled by the Church. When his niece (Lily Collins) is abducted by a murderous pack of vampires, Priest breaks his sacred vows to venture out on an obsessive quest to find her before they turn her into one of them. He is joined on his crusade by his niece's boyfriend (Cam Gigandet), a trigger-fingered young wasteland sheriff, and a former Warrior Priestess (Maggie Q) who possesses otherworldly fighting skils. Written by Cory Goodman and Min-Woo Hyung, Priest also casts Christopher Plummer and Madchen Amick.

 My take: Ok, imagine the Templar Knights learned Krav Maga. Then imagine they have cool weapons and jet-powered motorcycles. Add to that  they live in an alternate universe that looks kinda like it came from the minds of the Mad Max creators. And their enemies? Let's have them battle the boss creature from the first Resident Evil, but, not just one, but a whole bunch of them, Oh, and let's make them vampires, too! Now THAT would be a cool movie, huh? Now let's give this film the personality of John Kerry, make the "vampires" as dangerous as a slightly irritated Shar Pei and, instead of Tina Turner in a metal brassier, the "Thunderdome" is a lame office building run by the Catholic Church. Way to fuck it up guys!

How many ways does this film suck? First of all, this film made me uncomfortable in a couple ways. I felt that the film denigrated Native Americans. Blood-thirsty, soul-less, savage beasts locked away on "reservations" just didn't sit well with me. Maybe I'm over reacting. I don't know, but it unnerved me. Then they have society ruled by the Church. The "Church" is quite obviously supposed to represent the Catholic Church. Their portrayal was of an uncaring organization more concerned with image and power than helping those less fortunate. Maybe it's because I was raised Catholic (I'm lapsed now), but I didn't like it.

Let's move on to the acting. The main character shows absolutely no emotion at any time in this film. Did someone just kidnap your niece? Did someone just try to rip your head off? Did someone just shit in your cornflakes? Don't ask me! I can't tell! Paul Bettany was totally flat throughout this entire crapfest. Hell, Keaneu Reeves displayed more emotion in Speed 2: Even Speedier! And he wasn't even in it! (Note: Yes, I know it was Speed 2: Cruise Control, but that movie sucked, too. "Ya know, we should capitalize on the success of Speed by making the same movie, but this time it'll be on a boat!" Great idea, fellas. I prefer my boats to include T-Pain and the guys from Lonely Island. Either that or make it a boat during a Playboy video shoot. Speaking of Playboy, when is Jennifer Aniston going to show the goods? I heard that we almost get a peek in her next film, but that's just a tease. Imagine what it would be like if porn was considered the more legitimate form of cinema. Hollywood would be a much happier place....)

See? That I would veer off topic like that shows just how shitty Priest is. I'm actually kinda pissed I wasted my time watching it. In fact, I'm done talking about it.

Verdict: Crap, crap, crap, crap, and spectacular crap. The film looks sleek and stylish, but that's just a glossy finish on a huge turd!

My rating: Avoid it like the clap!

Genre: Action, Adventure, Horror, Sci-fi, Fantasy
Rated: PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, disturbing images and brief strong language
Run Time: 1hr 27min

Thor (Marvel Studios/ Paramount)

Synopsis: The Mighty Thor (Chris Hemsworth), a powerful but arrogant warrior is about to succeed Odin (Sir Anthony Hopkins) as king of Asgard when an attack by the Frost Giants interrupts the ceremony. Against the wishes of his king, Thor, and his band of close warrior friends, go to the realm of the Frost Giants in search of answers. His arrogance and reckless actions reignite the ancient war. Thor is stripped of his powers, cast down to Earth and forced to live among humans as punishment. Once here, Thor learns what it takes to be a true hero when the most dangerous villain of his world sends the darkest forces of Asgard to invade Earth. Directed by Kenneth Branagh, Thor also stars Tom Hiddleston as Loki, Natalie Portman as Jane Foster and Clark Gregg reprises his Iron Man role of Agent Coulson of S.H.I.E.L.D.

My Take: I can't wait for The Avengers to come out! Seriously. The anticipation is making me expect too much from these superhero movies. Don't get me wrong, this movie was great, but I guess I expected more. It wasn't as good as Iron Man, but, at least it was better than Hulk (or The Incredible Hulk, take your pick.) 

The film starts with a mild scene introducing Natalie Portman's character, Jane, and her small team of scientists who just happen to be in the right place at the right time, when Thor is banished and sent to Earth through Heimdall’s Observatory, a space portal between the 9 realms. The movie then does a flashback that describes the history of the Asgardians as protectors of the 9 realms and their relation to Earthlings. This is where the movie explodes. Good thing they had Anthony Hopkins to do the voice-over. He's one of the few who could do justice to the Shakespearean levels to which they went. The grandiose Asgard and desolate, frozen Jodunheim look incredible, the battles are exciting and the acting is top shelf.

Helmsworth really steps out of his soap opera shoes and really carries the film. He plays the self-righteous douche-bag to a tee. Thor is basically Superman with a hammer and a gay Nordic fashion designer, so I guess he has a lot to be cocky about. He really fits the part well, when he battles the Romulan Blue Man Group with the powers of Iceman from X-Men... I mean, the Frost Giants. I didn't like how quickly he learned humility and humanity while on Earth. it would have been nice to see Helmsworth take his character through that transition, but I guess there was too much that needed to be crammed in, what with the falling in love with Jane, trying to reclaim his magical hammer Mjolnir from S.H.I.E.L.D. and an awkward cameo by Jeremy Renner as The Avenger’s Hawkeye.

Personally, Tom Hiddleston was underused. Yes, he does have a very prominent role as the mischievous Loki, though he spends half the film looking like a slightly more effeminate Lady Gaga. He plays the part like a seasoned veteran, but they don't delve into his emotions enough, and that's a lack in the script, not the actor. I did enjoy the interplay of sibling rivalry, as any younger brother can understand exactly as he felt.


Too bad the script wasn't put together better. 5 script writers can come up with some great scenes, but each scene is disjointed from the others without someone to pull it together. I think they forgot to hire that person. The script jumps back and forth between Asgard/Jodunheim and Earth a bit too much, but, overall, is effective and entertaining with plenty of comic relief thrown in.

Verdict: Like I said earlier, Thor is not as good as Iron Man, but it's still a must see, especially if you are unfamiliar with the story and want to be up to date and ready for The Avengers, due out next year. Thor is a pretty good start to the summer blockbuster season. Besides, when it comes to superhero movies, "if you build it, they will come". BRING ON CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!

My Rating: See it (You'll Buy it if you're a real Avengers fan)

Genre: Drama, Action, Adventure, Sci-fi, Fantasy
Rated: PG-13
Run Time: 2hr. 10min.