Priest (Screen Gems)

Synopsis: Set in an alternate world, one ravaged by centuries of war between man and vampires, a legendary Warrior Priest (Paul Bettany) from the last Vampire War lives in obscurity among the other downtrodden human inhabitants in walled-in dystopian cities ruled by the Church. When his niece (Lily Collins) is abducted by a murderous pack of vampires, Priest breaks his sacred vows to venture out on an obsessive quest to find her before they turn her into one of them. He is joined on his crusade by his niece's boyfriend (Cam Gigandet), a trigger-fingered young wasteland sheriff, and a former Warrior Priestess (Maggie Q) who possesses otherworldly fighting skils. Written by Cory Goodman and Min-Woo Hyung, Priest also casts Christopher Plummer and Madchen Amick.

 My take: Ok, imagine the Templar Knights learned Krav Maga. Then imagine they have cool weapons and jet-powered motorcycles. Add to that  they live in an alternate universe that looks kinda like it came from the minds of the Mad Max creators. And their enemies? Let's have them battle the boss creature from the first Resident Evil, but, not just one, but a whole bunch of them, Oh, and let's make them vampires, too! Now THAT would be a cool movie, huh? Now let's give this film the personality of John Kerry, make the "vampires" as dangerous as a slightly irritated Shar Pei and, instead of Tina Turner in a metal brassier, the "Thunderdome" is a lame office building run by the Catholic Church. Way to fuck it up guys!

How many ways does this film suck? First of all, this film made me uncomfortable in a couple ways. I felt that the film denigrated Native Americans. Blood-thirsty, soul-less, savage beasts locked away on "reservations" just didn't sit well with me. Maybe I'm over reacting. I don't know, but it unnerved me. Then they have society ruled by the Church. The "Church" is quite obviously supposed to represent the Catholic Church. Their portrayal was of an uncaring organization more concerned with image and power than helping those less fortunate. Maybe it's because I was raised Catholic (I'm lapsed now), but I didn't like it.

Let's move on to the acting. The main character shows absolutely no emotion at any time in this film. Did someone just kidnap your niece? Did someone just try to rip your head off? Did someone just shit in your cornflakes? Don't ask me! I can't tell! Paul Bettany was totally flat throughout this entire crapfest. Hell, Keaneu Reeves displayed more emotion in Speed 2: Even Speedier! And he wasn't even in it! (Note: Yes, I know it was Speed 2: Cruise Control, but that movie sucked, too. "Ya know, we should capitalize on the success of Speed by making the same movie, but this time it'll be on a boat!" Great idea, fellas. I prefer my boats to include T-Pain and the guys from Lonely Island. Either that or make it a boat during a Playboy video shoot. Speaking of Playboy, when is Jennifer Aniston going to show the goods? I heard that we almost get a peek in her next film, but that's just a tease. Imagine what it would be like if porn was considered the more legitimate form of cinema. Hollywood would be a much happier place....)

See? That I would veer off topic like that shows just how shitty Priest is. I'm actually kinda pissed I wasted my time watching it. In fact, I'm done talking about it.

Verdict: Crap, crap, crap, crap, and spectacular crap. The film looks sleek and stylish, but that's just a glossy finish on a huge turd!

My rating: Avoid it like the clap!

Genre: Action, Adventure, Horror, Sci-fi, Fantasy
Rated: PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, disturbing images and brief strong language
Run Time: 1hr 27min

Scream 4 (Dimension Films)

Synopsis: Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell), now the author of a self-help book, returns home to Woodsboro on the last stop of her book tour. There she reconnects with Sheriff Dewey (David Arquette) and Gale (Courteney Cox-Arquette), who are now married, as well as her cousin Jill (Emma Roberts) and her Aunt Kate (Mary McDonnell). Unfortunately Sidney's appearance also brings about the return of Ghostface, putting Sidney and the gang, along with the whole town of Woodsboro, in danger. Written by series creator Kevin Williamson and directed by Wes Craven, the film stars also include, Hayden Panettiere, Rory Culkin, Anthony Anderson, Adam Brody, Marley Shelton, Nico Tortorella, Kristen Bell, Anna Paquin and Lucy Hale.

My take: Been there.... Done that.... Oh, that was new.... Been there.... Done that... Get the hint? Well, that's the point of this film. Even the opening sequence rips on and deconstructs opening sequences, right before it falls into its own clichéd opening. Fans of the series will be happy to see original writer Kevin Williamson behind the pen again. This film is more reminiscent of the original Scream than the lackluster Scream 3. Throughout the story, the characters pick apart the clichés of the previous 3 films while giving away all the surprises of this one. 

The actors are plentiful in name, which helps hide the identity of the killer(s), since any one of them could be it. Each character is given enough time to give them a little depth, but not enough to be fully invested. Luckily, half the cast are return veterans, so they've been developed already. Unfortunately, the story isn't as well constructed as the cast, and the film seems to split in two, where one story follows the adults and the other follows the kids. The end results being a disjointed and muddled middle of what is, otherwise, an ok movie.

Verdict: This film feels like a warm, familiar hug...  from your uncle... that hangs on too long and begins to make you feel uncomfortable. I mean, they spend so much energy dissing the clichés they helped create, only to spend the rest of the film being mostly predictable. But, there is enough newness here to keep the fans happy.

Rating: Rent it

Genre:  Horror, Mystery, Thriller
Rating: R - for strong, bloody violence, language and some teen drinking
Run time: 103min.