Priest (Screen Gems)

Synopsis: Set in an alternate world, one ravaged by centuries of war between man and vampires, a legendary Warrior Priest (Paul Bettany) from the last Vampire War lives in obscurity among the other downtrodden human inhabitants in walled-in dystopian cities ruled by the Church. When his niece (Lily Collins) is abducted by a murderous pack of vampires, Priest breaks his sacred vows to venture out on an obsessive quest to find her before they turn her into one of them. He is joined on his crusade by his niece's boyfriend (Cam Gigandet), a trigger-fingered young wasteland sheriff, and a former Warrior Priestess (Maggie Q) who possesses otherworldly fighting skils. Written by Cory Goodman and Min-Woo Hyung, Priest also casts Christopher Plummer and Madchen Amick.

 My take: Ok, imagine the Templar Knights learned Krav Maga. Then imagine they have cool weapons and jet-powered motorcycles. Add to that  they live in an alternate universe that looks kinda like it came from the minds of the Mad Max creators. And their enemies? Let's have them battle the boss creature from the first Resident Evil, but, not just one, but a whole bunch of them, Oh, and let's make them vampires, too! Now THAT would be a cool movie, huh? Now let's give this film the personality of John Kerry, make the "vampires" as dangerous as a slightly irritated Shar Pei and, instead of Tina Turner in a metal brassier, the "Thunderdome" is a lame office building run by the Catholic Church. Way to fuck it up guys!

How many ways does this film suck? First of all, this film made me uncomfortable in a couple ways. I felt that the film denigrated Native Americans. Blood-thirsty, soul-less, savage beasts locked away on "reservations" just didn't sit well with me. Maybe I'm over reacting. I don't know, but it unnerved me. Then they have society ruled by the Church. The "Church" is quite obviously supposed to represent the Catholic Church. Their portrayal was of an uncaring organization more concerned with image and power than helping those less fortunate. Maybe it's because I was raised Catholic (I'm lapsed now), but I didn't like it.

Let's move on to the acting. The main character shows absolutely no emotion at any time in this film. Did someone just kidnap your niece? Did someone just try to rip your head off? Did someone just shit in your cornflakes? Don't ask me! I can't tell! Paul Bettany was totally flat throughout this entire crapfest. Hell, Keaneu Reeves displayed more emotion in Speed 2: Even Speedier! And he wasn't even in it! (Note: Yes, I know it was Speed 2: Cruise Control, but that movie sucked, too. "Ya know, we should capitalize on the success of Speed by making the same movie, but this time it'll be on a boat!" Great idea, fellas. I prefer my boats to include T-Pain and the guys from Lonely Island. Either that or make it a boat during a Playboy video shoot. Speaking of Playboy, when is Jennifer Aniston going to show the goods? I heard that we almost get a peek in her next film, but that's just a tease. Imagine what it would be like if porn was considered the more legitimate form of cinema. Hollywood would be a much happier place....)

See? That I would veer off topic like that shows just how shitty Priest is. I'm actually kinda pissed I wasted my time watching it. In fact, I'm done talking about it.

Verdict: Crap, crap, crap, crap, and spectacular crap. The film looks sleek and stylish, but that's just a glossy finish on a huge turd!

My rating: Avoid it like the clap!

Genre: Action, Adventure, Horror, Sci-fi, Fantasy
Rated: PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, disturbing images and brief strong language
Run Time: 1hr 27min

Hop (Universal Pictures)

Synopsis: Hop is the story of two characters fighting to keep their dreams alive. One is the son of the Easter Bunny who's dream is to one day be a famous drummer, and the other is a human who's dream is, apparently, to not actually do anything worthwhile. They meet when, on the eve of E.B. (voiced by Russel Brand) taking over his dad's position as the Easter Bunny, E.B. runs away to Hollywood and is run over by Fred O'Hare (James Marsden). Fred reluctantly takes in E.B. and helps hide him from the Pink Berets, the Royal Guard of the Easter Bunny, sent to bring him home. Also, Fred is simultaneously trying to: find a job, hide the mess made in the house he watches for his sister's (Kaley Cuoco) boss and win his father's (Gary Cole) approval. Meanwhile, Carlos (Voiced by Hank Azaria), a power hungry chick, is sick of living in the shadow of the Easter Bunny and plots a coup to take over Easter and the candy factory on Easter Island. Hop is directed by Tim Hill (The Spongebob Squarepants Movie, Garfield: A tail of Two Kitties), and includes Elizabeth Perkins, the voice of Hugh Laurie and a cameo by David Hasselhoff.

 My take: Hello? Suspense? Where are you? This movie gives away its entire basket of goodies right up front. Plus the plot was so formulaic, I think Mad Libs needs a royalty. I mean, take the character Fred. He lost his job a year ago and is still out of work. Why? Because he found a phantom reason to dislike each decent-paying job. And, low-and-behold, his dad is disappointed in him. WOW! Who would have seen that coming? Then there's the plot to take over Easter by Carlos and his chick workforce. I'd love to meet the genius who thought "Ya know what would really draw them into the story? Let's take the most exciting part of the movie and cram it all into the last 10 minutes of the film! Don't worry, we'll sporadically elude to it earlier in the film, but we'll do it so obviously that we'll spoil the surprise, but not so much that people get drawn into that part of the storyline!" Brilliant! Either develop it further, or leave it as a surprise twist.

Then there's the lack of character depth. Fred spends the entire movie being a slacker. That's pretty much it. They don't even give him a love interest. That's the one formula, for this kind of movie, that they DIDN'T follow. They take the one hot chick and make her his sister! What the hell?  Kaley Cuoco shows excellent comic ability in The Big Bang Theory, but is left to hang out to dry here. The best they could come up with is to have her eat jellybeans crapped out by E.B. (you know, the scene in ALL the trailers). That's it? What a waste.

Speaking of waste, why hire one of the best voice actors in Hank Azaria, if all you do is marginalize his character and cram his big scene to the end where it seemingly becomes nothing more than an add-on? THAT"S where the REAL story lays. Which is more exciting: A) Will Easter be taken over and changed forever? or B) Will a bunny get to play drums and will a douchewaffle get a job? See my point? Instead, they devote more time to storyline B, perhaps so they can include a pointless cameo by the Hoff, wherein he plays himself, bleary-eyed and all, and leaves us wishing for the days he played across from a car instead of an animated rabbit.

One more thing. Why the hell did they spend the entire movie having Fred try and hide E.B. when anyone who ever interacts with him doesn't even bat an eye that he's a TALKING BUNNY? Not the waitress, not the audience of the kids play and not even the Hoff, though he may have thought it was just a drunk hallucination. Great idea, fellas. let's have a storyline and not follow it.

Verdict: Those of you with young kids will probably still take them to this movie. I wouldn't. It's a safe movie for them to see, and they'll probably love the scene where Kaley eats a jellybean, but the overall message is flawed. It's OK to let your kids dream big, but this movie says that, if you dream big enough and long enough, you can be a bum until the day you "fail-up" and your supernatural dream job falls into your lap.

Rating: Avoid it

Genre: Animation, Family, Comedy(?)
Rated: PG - for some mild, rude humor
Run Time: 90min.